5/20/13 I have nothing else to give

970720_468407243244377_1384761435_nWhere to begin? The story of what happened slowly unraveled. Phyllis closed out her family, and became an alcoholic after giving up my husband. She has now been sober for 20 years. She said, she had given him up so Thomas the married man would not have a hold of her any more. She had told us about the night, she found out he was married. That she had told him she didn’t want to see him anymore. He proceeded to step on the gas, as they drove. Telling her, if he could not have her no one else would. She said, she was frighten by the look in his eyes. She begged him to slow down, and he didn’t till she said “I’m sorry I take it back, I will be with you.” He then slowed down, and drove her home. Where they had intercourse. She said, they were still fighting, when he walked out the front door. When her father appeared after him, and had a gun in his hand. Thomas had sped off before her dad had gotten a chance to use it.
Several weeks later, Thomas called her, and told her to go to the doctor, because she was pregnant. In denial to her self, she finally had gone to the doctor and she was indeed pregnant. She said, it was her decision and hers alone to give him up. She said, she knew if she had kept him. That it was only going to get worse for her family. Seeing there was on going harassing phone call to her family. She was afraid what her father might do, so she did what she felt was best for everyone was to give him away. She did however, make one last call to Thomas, to tell him he had a son and she gave him up.
So that is, the story but not the end. My husband talks to her every Sunday, like clock work. Since we have been back he has not been the same. Mona has developed a relationship with his family. Talks to his mom and uncle all the time. The problem is, it’s like he never here! Menatly that is. He saying he feels like he is missing out, on what I ask. I said” what you are missing out on is your family here.” I feel as if, I have done everything to get him to AZ to meet her. Save every little penny I had, and he says he missing out!! She has not even mention on when she was planning to come here to meet her grandchildren. I flew us all the way there, and planned everything.
I told him I don’t know what else you want me to do for you. I found her, told her off when she didn’t call you for months, because of how hurt you were. Flew us out there so you could meet her and your missing out. The only thing your missing out on, is your life you have here with our children and grandchildren. You are an adult, not some little boy anymore. I told him if that is where you need to be because your missing out. Then go, I am not stopping you.
I have raised are kids, took care of our house, worked, and have paid all the bills. While you drive over the road. If anyone has missed out its me! My life has always been for everyone else but me. I feel I have nothing else to offer, I have given you everything I have. At this point I have nothing else to offer you but to let you go. To do what ever you need to do. Because you feel you have missed out on someone who gave you up, but not on the person who has been by your side for the last 26 years.

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4/15/13 We are Back

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Looking out of the plane window you could just tell, we were about to enter paradise. The sun was shinning, the mountains surrounded us, and palm trees every where. I knew this was going to be wonderful! As we walked through the airport, my husband kept telling me to slow down. He was nervous, (and I just wanted to get outside to enjoy this) He asks me, “how am I going to know what she looks like?” As we round the corner, I start to point, at the same time his uncle is pointing at us, and I say “there she is!!” Up jumps this little woman and comes running towards us, at full force. Thought she was going to knock him over, as she throws her arms around him and squeezes him tight. She then looks up at him, and says your even more handsome than the pictures. My husband just looks down at her in shock, the moment he has waited for is here, and his real mom is standing in front of him. I just watched, trying to fight the tears that were welling up in my eyes. All I could say is let me get a picture.
The days that followed were all very exciting. Meeting his cousins and his uncle, ramona and her family. She even met phyllis and his uncle. The answers that he longed for were answered, and the ones that weren’t were answered on Sunday when he called her. His uncle here, wants him to call him, he had left a message on his mom’s answering machine. My husband said to me, he had felt like he had come home.
For the dirty little secret she thought she had, everyone had already known. And it was like they were all waiting for him. Just as the day he was born, when she didn’t come home with him.She had paid the price all these years for the decision she had made 46 years ago. It not only had cost her son but her relationship with her family. That dark cloud seemed to have lifted, and the sun was right there to shine.

4/5/13 And Here WE GO!!! quick update

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We have been waiting for this moment for a very long time!! Now in less than 24 hours we will be boarding a plane to, see Phyllis for the 1st time in person. We have been talking to her every Sunday like clock work. This is such an emotional and exciting event for everyone around us. Words can’t even discribe, this. To all the adoptees out there looking for their natural family, don’t give up your hopes. Because when the time is right and when you least expect it, it will happen. I am living it right now!!  See you in a week =)

2/10/13 Arnold Schwarzenegger’s family

So here we go again, it’s Sunday. We always call Phyllis on this day at the same time and no answer. We have been calling her every Sunday at the same time since we had the talk, about her disappearing. She sent us new pictures of her and the family this week. To our surprise our youngest daughter looks exactly like her. We had always thought she resembled both of us, but nope looks exactly like her grandma. It’s so strange, how that works. Phyllis by all means does not look 70 years old.

His cousin texted us, saying it is strange that she didn’t answer her phone. She is sure, that she is alright. I am sure she is to, the last time we didn’t hear from her for 2 months. She said, she was busy, and doesn’t like to be at home much. I still don’t understand that part. If you are reunited with your son, after all these years wouldn’t you want to talk to him? She even said she was hoping and praying they would meet again. At times this seems to be an emotional roller coaster.

The days are moving quickly to our visit there. Wondering how it’s going to be when we finally arrive there, or after we leave. His cousin said she has set her up with a hotel and if she gave us the information. The answer would be no seeing she is not answering her phone. That would be helpful news seeing she told us we all were going to stay with the cousin. I knew I should have booked a room, the same time as the car and plane tickets. I was very leery about staying with people we don’t know any way, but let it up to my husband to decide. Seeing this is the first time he is meeting his mom in person. He agreed to staying with the family so he could spend more time with her. Now I have to book a hotel. Nothing like causing stress for my bells palsy. Which seems to be going away! Thank you lord! I did not want to meet new people, who could not understand what I am saying.

So we should see what is going to happen. So much for a relaxing vacation. This is our first vacation that will be a week-long. Planning all this I need a vacation for the vacation. Been trying to workout so we look good for the athletic family. Phyllis at 70 rides her bike to and from work. The uncle has tons of medals in the senior olympics, and the cousin is a zumba instructor. It’s like meeting Arnold Schwarzenegger’s family. I get cortisone shots in two weeks in both my feet, so hopefully that will help me be able to workout better. Instead of being in pain, when I’m on my feet. Funny us trying to impress people we don’t even know. Does it really matter what they think or what we look like? Does everyone do this when they meet their family for the first time? I do analyze too much, trying to work on that. May everything just workout fine.

 

 

2/7/13 Family!!

So, we have been talking to his mom, every week like clock work. His new-found family seems to be as happy as we are, for our arrival. The family calls her often to get updates, on how we are. As phyllis puts it, we have waken the family up from a deep sleep. This is the most she has spoken to everyone in years. I had told her in my research, I had found the sister she was looking for and that she had past away in 2010. She was shocked, but happy to know, so she wouldn’t have to wonder anymore. Life is short, here today gone tomorrow.

But we have a set date on when we are going to meet her face to face! The plane tickets are bought and the car rental  is in place. We decided nervously, that we will stay at his cousin’s house with her. That way the few precious moments spent there my husband can get to know his real family. They have already gone out of their way, and bought everything new for the guest room. It is like the president is coming, she exclaims. That everyone has read the books I made for her, and they were able to answer each other questions from them. Maybe I missed my calling, LOL, maybe I should be a writer instead of an artist.

Everyone is gathering pictures and information so we will know his heritage. And Last week, I contacted his cousin on Facebook and we saw more pictures of the family. There are a bunch that live here, cousins, aunts  and uncles! And for the first time our youngest daughter Lucky was able to talk to her grandma. They were both excited and Lucky told her, she is  very excited that she is going to come and visit here. Phyllis said that she was going to have everyone fly there to meet us, but then just figured she would come here and visit, and introduce us to everyone here. Plus she can meet the girls and the babies. Everything seems to be flowing like clockwork except…..

My husband still has not told Mona his new-found sister about all this. The fact that they do not share the same mom that’s for sure. She seems to be going through a lot these days and he doesn’t want to hurt her in any way. He said what if she doesn’t talk to us anymore, and doesn’t want to see us when we go? I say I would feel bad, but Then I would go to the grand cannon. Right, one of the 7 wonders of the world, and I’m on vacation!! Truly I love Mona, I hand-made her a beautiful blanket and matching pillow cases that I sent her. But I cannot make someone want to talk to me or stress about it. That’s how I got Bells Palsy! I don’t understand why a piece of paper defies who is and who isn’t your family. They both have lived with people who were not blood. Family is who you want it to be, and it will be up to her to choose that fate. As far as I’m concerned she is family, I told her we adopted her. Life is to short, enjoy the people who are in your life! We were brought together for a reason and that is all that matters.

 

1/18/13 Oh that web we weave

14805_413342085415172_1844899579_n So here I have been searching for flights, car rental, and Hotels. Saved up enough money for that part. I even put in for the vacation time, so no one else would take the dates I want. This is going to be the best birthday ever for me. The excitement and happiness of when my husband and his biological mom meet. Also, meeting the new sister in person, I can hardly wait. Being in the warmth of the west coast does not hurt either. Being surrounded by beautiful mountains, I’m thinking total bonus.
Then it hit’s like a ton of bricks! That tangled up web, that we have woven has put a slight damper on the up coming events. So my husband calls me bright an early, 5:30am like usual. He tells me that Phyllis called him, at 3:00am. She was very excited, and she received the new photo brag book I made her. She had waited till she got done with work to open it. She opens the book, while she’s on the phone with my husband. She just loves the book, and the pictures I put in. (the artist, graphic designer I am) She says she can’t wait to show her brother and his family at the luncheon on the 26th.
That’s when she says to my husband “don’t worry about a car or a hotel. We had a meeting and we are taking care of it.” What does that mean, I say to my husband. Who did she have a meeting with? We had just talked to her a couple of days ago!! I mean that is very nice to offer but I prefer to have our own arrangements. In case we need to escape or something. We don’t know how this is going to turn out, and we don’t know these people. “I know” he says. Then he explains to her, that we are going to spend half the time with her and the other half with the sister. And here it comes wait for it…..I can’t wait to meet her she says. My mouth flies open again!! OH yea and by the way she says to him, “I was going to save this as a surprise, and have my sister flight out here when you did. But I decided I would tell my TWIN SISTER about you, when I come to chicago and introduce you to her.” By now, I don’t know what to say, but really, this is way to early for all this! I haven’t even finished my 1st cup of coffee.
So I say, Now you have to tell your sister that you don’t have the same mom. I know she is going to be devastated. To you and me, she is family, blood or not! I know she said she didn’t want to know if you were her true brother but now she has to know! I said you need to tell her. And he said “I will tell her in person”, NO, I say. That is not fair to her! I understand you don’t want to hurt her but you need to let her know, that no matter what we think of her as family. It will be her choice, if she still wants to be connected with us or not. If she wants I will help her find her relatives like I did for your other sister. It will be up to her to decided, and we shall stand by her no matter what. Cause that is what family and friends are for.
That damn web!! Always looks so pretty but it is so deceiving.

1/16/13 Buckle your seatbelt this is going 2 be a ride

208So it has been a crazy couple of days, fighting an ear infection and broke a finger. That was the dull part. So we come back from the doctors and there is a message on the machine. It was my husbands mom saying to give her a call back, it we get a chance. Wow I thought, she did call and it’s Sunday. It just made me smile, she understands. She was very excited to tell us, all the news this week.
She said that her and her brother had gone to a funeral this week. So after, they had lunch and she invited him up stairs. She told him she wanted to talk to him. So she couldn’t wait to tell him any longer. She told him “I have a son”. He said “I know you told me that when you had lived with me.” She said “I did” well he has found me and we have been talking. She handed him the picture of our family. All he could say is how? How did he find you? He was in shock and very happy. She read the letter, the one I had written to the numberous Phyllis in the world. As he looked longingly at our picture, telling her he see the resemblances between them.
After a pause, he said, “so you know what this means?” We need to have a family reunion. (good thing she couldn’t see us) My mouth fell open, my husband stared at me, as his mom kept on talking about all the people she had been writing to and sending our picture with it. (a picture that is like 10 years old) I felt like it’s time to buckle our seatbelts cause here we go.
She sounded so happy, probly a giant sense of relief after all these years. I explained I had made her a picture brag book for her luncheon. You know the one, where she was going to tell her brother she had a son. She said she couldn’t wait till she got i,t and she would share it with them at their luncheon. Her niece had asked her questions about my husband when she called her brother. She said Phyllis that means you’re a grandmother! She said she’s not ready to talk about that just yet. Phyllis said I wake up one day, I’m a senior citizen, I wake up then I’m a mom, and grandma. I corrected her I said “a great-grandmother.” She just giggled. We talked for a couple of hours and then she had to go get ready for work. She is 70 years old rides a bike every where and still works. Her sister asked her, when are you going to retire? She got offended, and don’t talk about her age either. LOL
As this is going on, we have begun to do research for our trip there. We have planned to get a vacation package and spend half the time with his mom then the other half with our new-found sister. Even though I keep telling my husband we must tell her, that they don’t share the same mom. He just keeps saying she doesn’t want to know. And she is going through enough right now why make her upset. I guess, but in the back of mind, I’m thinking I don’t like keeping something from someone. I don’t want her to find out some other way and get hurt. RIGHT!
Hiding the truth, or pretending not to know is just going to hurt someone in the end. I believe we met for a reason, and I would not want to hurt her she is my friend. And in a sense a guarding angel, that help us guide us to his mom. I mean they both (meaning Phillis and new sister) moved from Chicago . To the same city and state on the west coast. How bazaar is that? My husband and his new sister were at the same orphanage at the same time. She is a couple of years older and was told, she has brothers and sisters out there. But if is wasn’t for her we would have never got the birth certificate and found his real mom. Oh what a tangled web we weave.

1/10/13 All I could say Is REALLY!!

 

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 So my sister calls me to say, I want you to know, I didn’t say anything. So you can pretty much know, how the rest of the conversation is going to go. So she tells me, how our mother called her. To say “why didn’t you tell me your sister’s speech is messed up.” My reply to my sister REALLY!!!!  My aunt had told her, any way it’s not a secret. You can’t hide Bob! Any way, my sister told her. If she wanted you to know about her, she would have called you. 2nd you have a phone and you can caller her. This should be between you and her.

 
Let me tell you about my mother. I haven’t spoken to her in about 6 years. When my grandmere passed away, I cut all ties with her. As her mom lays in bed dyeing, the nurse called her to let her know. My mother was her power of attorney, she told the nurse she couldn’t come because she was busy!! My grandmere passed away the next morning. I was there that night to say good-bye and tell her it’s okay. Yet on my birthday, she could drive up to the nursing home. (I had worked there but quit before grandmere died) She had people paging me like it’s an emergency. All so she could tell me, I bought myself a new car for yours and your sister’s birthday. Here again I say REALLY! 

My family lived with my dad, So my mom who is married to husband 4, would tell her husband that she is spending the night at my house. To watch my girls, and to spend more time with them. But the reality was, so she could come over to spend night, with my dad, not to spend time with my girls. When my dad wouldn’t kick us out, so she could move in. She ended their relationship. Then was upset I didn’t call her for mother’s day, REALLY!! </p>

 When I graduated college, I invited her but she said she was busy. When I told her I was getting married, she said take pictures. So in other words, she didn’t show up. But went to both my sisters weddings. Bitter maybe just a bit.

With husband 3, they would run off on vacations and leave me with the 3 children to take care of. I would have to miss school, and always scrounge for food. Because the good food, us kids were not allowed to eat that was for him! I was a freshman in high school then. He would punch me in the face and I would have black eyes, and my mom looked at me and said I deserved it. My brother, his son, had spilt his cologne. My school called dcf they came to the house, a week later we packed up and moved to a different state. He use to beat the heck out of my little sister. And my mother said nothing, she was 5 years old. She was never allowed outside. One day, I secretly wrote a letter to her dad (he is #2), telling him. She went for a visit and he never sent her back, took her to court and got custody. She eventually dropped the rest of us off and relatives door steps. So she could be kid free with her bigamist husband. She eventually found out, he wasn’t just married to her. And my brother was definitely not his only child! She left him and came back for my brother, his son! He still lives with her and his daughter. He is 32 now and she still supports him.

Daddy number 2 was an abusive Alcoholic. He through me across the room one time, I hit the wall, and slid to the ground. Would watch him strangle my pregnant  mom and bash her head in the floor. Was surprised my sister came out normal. When he didn’t drink he was a nice guy. Those times got fewer, and we finally left. Nothing like not having friends over cause you never knew what was going to happen. He did eventually get sober, happy for my sister.

So as you can see, she has never been  a mom, or  a grandmother.She asked my sister why I don’t talk to her, REALLY!! Yes she gave birth to me, but that’s about it.  She showed me, what not to be as a mother and as a person. For her to be concern with, how I speak is a joke, 

People ask how can you not talk to your mother? Because she isn’t my mother, you have to earn that title.  For her she never has! I distance my self from her and all her negativity that surrounds her.

Having Bob has taught me a lot about myself. Don’t take your smile for granted, it can be here today gone tomorrow. I try to stay calm and not stress like I use to. I know it will just makes it harder on myself. I try to surround my self with positive things. Happy thoughts and leave the past, as a nightmare, that I can alway wake up from.  And take one day at time, because I can’t control everything, especially bob.

Side note when things go wrong, I always blame it on BOB. LOL  

1/9/13 What about Bob

(the above video is about a women who has bell’s palsy. So you can understand what I’m talking about)
After talking to his mom later that night my Bell’s palsy (bob I call it) started to act up.(named if after my husbands brother bob,the guest that never wants to leave) I got Bob 3 days after my birthday in April 2011. I am still fighting the effects of it. I had been fighting a sinus infection and double ear infections. Not to mention stressed out, that was me all the time. I worry before it even happens. On friday the 13th, Yep! that is when it started, and I didn’t even know. My tounge had felt strange on the left side, and food had tasted funny all day. I just figured, I must have burnt my tounge on coffee.

 I woke up the next day and my face had felt strange, like it was a sleep. I remember telling my husband my face feels strange. I had called my sister several times, till she answered. I asked what did it feel like when you had bell’s palsey.She told me to go and look in the mirror and smile. So I did, except the left side was paralyzed. She said, you need to go to the hospital. As I was talking to her, my speech was getting more and more impaired. By the time we got to the convent care, no one could understand me. They told my husband, no we can’t help her, she needs to go to the hospital. I hate the hospital!!! When we arrived, my husband explained what was going on. By now tears are streaming down my face. They rushed me into a room.  I asked to use the washroom, as I walked down the hall everyone was watching me. Felt like I was in the twilight zone. I heard some sort of announcement as I entered the bathroom.  When I came back to the room, my husband said they just had called a code on me. They thought I was having a stroke. I knew I wasn’t, I still had feeling in my body, it was just my face.

I was admitted, so they could run numerous test and cat scans. I explained I had gone to the clinic and they said I had a sinus infection but after it hadn’t cleared up after I had taken all the medicine. I had planned on calling my doctor to make a appointment. It really didn’t matter now! I was happy though, when they gave me something to clear up my sinus. Any way, they told me I had bell’s palsy. I knew a little about it seeing my sister had it. In about a couple of months, it went away for her, and she did nothing.  The doctor said, they don’t know much about it, and that I may or may not recover. I felt so upset, and at times still do. My left side of my face drooped, and had no function. I could only drink out of a straw on the right side of my mouth. Oh and the fun part I had to Tape my eye closed to sleep. So at times I wore an eye patch like uma thurman, in Kill Bill. I had lost all function of the left side. Not to mention, bob has impaired my speech. They made me take a day off of work, to do follow-up appointments. That made me more upset, for it ruined my perfect attendance. (at the end of the year at my company you get a bonus for that) Any way, I went to numberous doctors, took medication, got electric shock to my face. Here it is almost 8 months, and Bob is still here!! I am happy my face is mostly back to normal. I can only tell the slight difference between the left and the right. My eye will sometimes just have streams of water come down my face. Other times it becomes very dry and needs eye drops. I ‘m more light-sensitive, and wear sunglasses a lot more. But my speech comes and goes. There are days I struggle to speak or I frequently stutter. Then there are times I talk pretty normal. It’s really embarrassing, people stare when I talk. Then there are the ones who start speaking louder because they think I can’t hear. I even had a family member laugh at me because of the way I talk.

 So if I get tired, sick or stressed out,my speech becomes worse, I work at a big company, they are very understanding, and supportive. I joke around a lot and blame tons of things on bob. But really I wish it would go away. I want to throw it over the grand cannon when we go to visit my husbands mom. I so want BOB to be gone before then. I don’t want to meet her and the new sister like this. Struggling to have a conversation. I could only imagine getting pulled over and start talking to an officer. He’s going to ask if I have been drinking and I’m going to say no it’s my bell’s palsy. Off to do a breathalyzer cause he is going to really believe that, right!

So in the end don’t get that groupon coupon for Botox, cause they only do one side. Ask bob!

 

1/8/13 The Secrets Begins to unravel

1474_438537856217926_1446461908_nSo as my husband’s birthday began to approach I decided to make him a picture. One like I made my sister-n-law, a picture of her and her mom together. I pulled out the pictures his mom had sent us and design 3 different photo’s of them together and with his dad. Then I had them printed out and sent her a copy. I told her, I had made them for his birthday January 2nd. That’s when she had left a message, wishing him a happy birthday. So this past Saturday, we call her and believe this, she answered!! We haven’t spoken to her for 2 mths.
She had said, “she was sorry she hadn’t got back to him” but” she was out and about.” And we can ask anyone in the family how she is, that she keeps to herself. That she hardly ever calls anyone. (totally didn’t get it, this is her son she has been waiting for 46years and she doesn’t call him!) Any way, I kind of put my foot down and said, we were extremely worried about you! We were calling hospitals looking for you. How we work, is that we keep in contact with our daughters every week just to make sure they are okay. And by you not contacting us, my husband had felt he had lost you all over again. (If something happened to her no one, would know to call us) She went silent, then said I will try to do better and is Sundays a good day? yes I said, I told her I understand you live alone and are on the go. But we just want to know you are okay. We are all still getting to know each other. She explained, that when she sent us the pictures, her address and where she had worked. That ment she wasn’t going anywhere. We didn’t get that and that’s what I explained to her, to us it was pictures.
Any way, she said she had called her sister sue, who lives in chicago. She explained to her, remember when I was pregnant and I had a son. Then I gave him up,”Yes”Sue said. Well he found me, and we have been talking and his name is not Michael any more. She said, she heard a gasp at the other end. “Hello, are you okay” she asked! Her sister Sue wanted to know everything and can’t wait to meet my husband. But also didn’t understand when she told her, she hadn’t spoken to him in a while. Sue said, “WHY this is your son?” Her reply was you know how I am.
Sue called her the next day, saying she hadn’t slept all night she just kept thinking about it. Then sue asked “did you tell ralph?”(their brother) His mom said “no”. His mom also said she had sent copies of some of the pictures I sent her, and sent them to sue. She said she knew she would be calling again once she got the pictures.
His mom said, that she kept calling Ralph and leaving messages. (unbelievable) But they seemed to be just playing phone tag. She said she was just about, to write him a letter when the phone rang, it was Ralph. She explained, she wanted to take him and his family to lunch as a late christmas present, so they could talk. Ralph asked, is everything was alright? She said “yes” and looked forward to seeing them on the 26th of this month.
She said it took everything she had, not to tell him on the phone. She said she cannot wait to see look on his face! When she tells him she has a son. (Ralph never knew anything)
So I made her a little brag book, so she will be able to take it with her, to their lunch. So the secret is finally coming out.
For me, I think, since she kept this sad secret all her life. She distant herself from everyone. Never letting anyone else in. So to me this was a huge step for her. She said she constantly thinks about how she has a son. And is very anxious for our visit in a couple of months.
Even though, after getting off the phone my husband says, you know she doesn’t owe me anything. I said, “your right but she needs to know how you feel. And to go from talking to every week for hours to nothing that is not right!” Finally, I am caught up to the now, of this roller coaster ride.